Hello :)

Am I the twisted one or just the lost one?

Am I the smart one or the naive one?

Am I cold or just plain scared?

Am I peaceful both inside and outside?

Am I sad to have lost or happy to have regained?

Am I so sulky that I don’t know how to smile?

Am I not as vanilla as I think I am?

Am I actually an impatient driver?

Am I even bothered by any of these questions?

I think not. But it is random food for thought. Keeps me entertained on days like these.

To be honest, I am not bothered by anyone’s perception. At least not bothered enough to action a change in behaviour.

I do feel. I do get hurt. I do like happiness. I sure am rude and blunt. And it’s all in good spirit. It’s how I am wired.

Trust we are good J

A Saturday after long...feels like a Sunday.

Crowded drives

Radio by the side

Light in the head

Smile on the face

Friends to meet

Talks to talk

News to share,

With hope in the heart.

Long felt hugs

Long seen smiles

Missed those days,

To be relived every now and then.

Skip. Reverse.

I just read the last few words on a friend’s blog ‘Being Replaceable’. Coincidently, I have been thinking about ‘being replaceable’ since last night. Funny I read it now.

I don’t know what it is about the word replaceable that makes me uncomfortable. In the retail sense of the term it’s supposed to be a good thing. However, in my mind, I feel it takes away the value of everything/everyone.

I don’t want anything to be replaceable. I like a sense of constance. Every important thing or person in our lives is theoretically irreplaceable. In reality, it may work out differently.  So let’s make a pact – to not replace things or people for the fun of it. That’s just mean. Why replace them first then cry about the memories. Fuck the memories. Enjoy the present continuous.

May you never be replaceable!

Swaaha

Hi !

I have a sudden urge to do the following things:

• Switch off my phone; sleep now; leave home in the morning; and use only the PCO to connect with those who need to know my whereabouts. Full 24 hours of pull approach as far as contacting me is concerned. No pushing, calling, or beeping!
• Watch 4 back-to-back films. I am in this business, and I have so much to catch up on, this particular month.
• Go to Anando Spa for a three day sojourn with a bum-chum.
• Read. Read. And read more...
• Behave with people the way they behave with other people. The sound of this is petty, but personal experience says – It works!
• By now, my urges don’t seem sudden or urgent at all. But I have a lot of pending thoughts in my head. So will mention them anyway.
• Yell out to some people to get a grip or get their fucking difficult self out of my life. Or more importantly, out of my mind. Which is more a call-to-action for me than anyone else I suppose.
• Play loud chhamiya music and dance all night. I love drunken dancing. It’s the best medicine for my mind and body, every once in a while.
• To smile more at my Parents and yell less at my Mom.
• To love who I want to anyway. Who cares what they think or want.

Swaaha for all of the above.

< Swaaha story some other time >

Kyu... ho gaya na

I wonder what it is that I strive to be in life.

Do I want to work so hard at my career that I look at myself as the Marketing Head of my department sometime ?

Or do I want to take it as it comes and not try and run the fastest in this rat race ?

I actually want to not care so much about my designation, get paid well, and yet be able to do what I want in the organisation. I know it sounds dreamy and perfect. But it’s far from perfect. I think I don't want the headache of a post. I don’t want to be answerable to a hundred humans because my post demands it. I want to be answerable to these humans only because my work demands it. And that work I think can also be done at a designation which does not impress any business card scanner ! This is only a thought. Might be completely flawed.

Just that I want to be able to have a life because MY work-life balance is good. Not, not have a life because my team’s work-life balance is screwed up.

I love to work. But I hate to centre my life around it. What I hate the most is being MADE to centre my life around it. And my fear is that with designation comes this ‘MADE’.

But then again, my perception is limited to the organisations I have experienced. The fact and opportunities might be completely different.

I also strive to be a nice happy family person. Not the sulky idealist my parents are making me out to be. They are 90% right when they say that is another thing altogether.

What I have to do to be able to smoothly enter the happy family phase of life is something I will figure out gradually I guess.

*One fun-fact about me which is not so fun  – When you ask me how I like whatever it is that you show to me, I always ask the possession details of the item. If you have already gone ahead and convinced yourself about it in the decisive sense by spending money on it, I will never bitch about that particular thing. This is one of the rare moments where my good self takes over my blunt self and I decide not to dishearten you. Silly but true. So next time remember – My opinion is redundant :)

Now back to thinking what Ankur rightly asked me today... Kyu ? I have been thinking that for a while. Kyu ? Why the fuck ?!

hallmark 'moments'

18^th April 2011.

Sometimes I forget we are in 2011 now. I write 2010, and then go back and edit. Funny how this used to happen only in the month of January of every new year. This was the time when back in school /college we used to write or acknowledge the date more often.

Today, time just lapses on its own.  Takes no permission, gives no warning. Just plain walks by most of us. It is mid-April now. Yet there feels no New Year. It feels like so many things in 2010 were yet to be completed. I made the simplest of resolutions, yet it feels like a burden.

A burden I never thought I would feel. It is weird while I even think about it. I used to pride myself on living life as it comes. Living each day as I experience it. However, this doesn’t seem to be working fine for me anymore. It seems like it’s taking away the fun of it all, while actually it was supposed to provide all the fun and thrill of so called careless living.

I have a slight idea of my near future. But I still can’t picture myself in most surroundings when I think about it. My mind is a cloud of saturated thoughts. They are not maturing or going away. They just seemed to have settled in a chaotic fashion.  Confusing me each time I take two minutes off from my so called idea of ‘living the moment’. The moment seems to fuck around with me!

I want to take a moment out of my many confused/fun-filled/satiating/miserable moments and make a few ‘more than mental’ notes here:

• I have liked my job a lot these past few months. I have been my personal rockstar. However, I am bored thinking about it already. I want a change. And a major one at that.
• I have fought less with my family and been there for them these last few weeks. Now, this here made me feel more of a rockstar. I enjoyed a simple car drive for 2 hours with my parents and close family, listening to music and making random talk after I don’t even know how many years. I need to stop cringing at the thought of family time. I realised I like being with them and being myself in the most raw self I can.
• I also have paid more attention to my health, now more than ever. It was a subconscious thing going on on a daily basis. But I know for a fact, it has worked wonders for my skin, hair and stamina. I do ‘momentarily’ plan on continuing this one J
• I have spent quality weekend time with some closed ones after as long as MICA time. It felt just right in spite of being wrong in so many ways.
• I have realised all I need is a glass of whiskey or a pint of beer to make me smile like a buffoon.
• Also, I don’t feel scared about a lot of things anymore. I get worried about the pain my actions or thoughts will cause to a lot of people, but fear is long gone. These bloody tiny moments have made me very confident
• I also realised that I love the power of rhymes. Everything in life should rhyme.

Now, to go back to my mundane moments. Cincinnati Bublaboo.

Kaminey.

Kya kare zindagi isko hum jo mile,

Iski jaan kha gaye, raat din ke gile

Raat din gile…

Meri aarzoo kamini,

Mere khwaab bhi kaminey,

Ek dil se dosti thi, yeh huzoor bhi kaminey,

Kya kare zindagi isko hum jo mile,

Iski jaan kha gaye, raat din ke gile…

Kabhi zindagi se maanga, pinjre mein chaand la do,

Kabhi laalten deke, kaha aasmaa pe taango

Jeene ke sab kareene the hamesha se kaminey,

Kaminey kaminey kaminey kaminey,

Meri daastaan kamini, mere raasten kaminey,

Ek dil se dosti thi, yeh huzoor bhi kaminey…

Jiska bhi chehra cheela, andar se aur nikla,

Masoom sa kabootar naacha to more nikla,

Kabhi hum kaminey nikle, kabhi doosre kaminey,

Kaminey kaminey kaminey kaminey,

Meri dosti kamini, mere yaar bhi kaminey,

Ek dil se dosti thi, yeh huzoor bhi kaminey…